The Downfall: Chronicles of a Resolution Gone Wrong

at 1:09 pm on January 31, 2009 under Jan: Vegan/Refined Sugar/Corn Syrup Free | 1 Comment

I can’t really describe what happened this week in the form of a normal blogpost, so without further ado I present you a screenplay for my new short film.


THE DOWNFALL

INT. SUPERIOR COURTHOUSE, NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION CENTRAL HEARING ROOM, EARLY MID-AFTERNOON

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye. All rise for the honorable Judge Harry Anderson.

An undistinguished JUDGE enters, dabbing rib sauce from the corners of his mouth. He wears a lobster bib and unpacks a lunch box on the bench.

JUDGE: Be seated. Will the defendant please remain standing? I see we have you charged under seven counts of violating your new year’s resolution to be vegan through the end of the month of January. How do you plead?

DEFENDANT: Not guilty your honor.

JUDGE: You have declined court appointed counsel. Have you retained an attorney?

DEFENDANT: No your honor. I will be representing myself.

The PROSECUTING ATTORNEY – who looks like that guy who played the mayor of Gotham in Batman wearing too much eyeliner – rises.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Your honor, I move that we forgo hearing this case and move on to the sentencing.

JUDGE: On what grounds counselor?

P.A.: The people see it as a waste of valuable time and resources given the overwhelming evidence.

Exhibit B: Shark Fin Soup - Expensive!

Exhibit B: Shark Fin Soup - Exotic!

JUDGE (stern and skeptical): Lay out the case for us counselor. Then we’ll decide.

P.A. stands. The judge cracks a box of BBQ chicken and chews on a wing.

P.A.: Last Tuesday evening the defendant engaged in no fewer than seven violations of his self-imposed vegan diet.

DEFENDANT (mumbles): Allegedly.

P.A.: On the day of the Chinese New Year, the defendant was asked to film a celebration of Chinese restaurant owners and their families at the ornate Asia Grill in Lincoln, Rhode Island. A gourmet chef was brought down from Boston, and a twelve-course meal was served for over 100 patrons. While there, the defendant willingly and with forethought consumed seven different dishes containing meat, poultry, and seafood.

DEFENDANT (forcefully): Allegedly.

JUDGE: Be quiet, sir – you’ll have your turn. Proceed counselor.

P.A.: The evidence is overwhelming, your honor. For starters, we have dozens of witnesses in this courtroom who can testify to the defendant’s consumption of the illicit goods, including the defendant’s own girlfriend.

The JUDGE wipes sauce from his mouth with a napkin.

JUDGE: Okay, who here can testify to the defendant’s consumption of non-vegan products on Tuesday? Show of hands?

All MEMBERS OF THE COURTROOM raise their hands.

JUDGE: Anyone here who can testify for the defendant?

Not a peep.

The DEFENDANT rises and slams his fist against the table.

DEFENDANT: Objection your honor! Conspiracy and hearsay!

JUDGE: Are you sure you don’t want a court-appointed attorney? They’re free. Let’s carry on with the case. I’d like to see where this is going.

P.A. (sighs): Fine… I’d like to call my first witness, the defendant’s significant other.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER walks to the stand, takes an oath, and carefully sits down on the bench.

P.A.: Did you see the defendant consuming non-vegan products on Tuesday evening?

S.O.: Yes.

P.A.: What did he consume?

S.O.: We started with the shrimps. Then the squid, then jellyfish, then abalone. Then there was the shark fin soup. Then something I’m not sure what it was. Then chicken, then some beef.

The DEFENDANT puts his face in his hands. The P.A. strolls back to his table.

P.A.: Your witness.

The DEFENDANT musters his courage and walks up to the stand, looking at S.O. with spite, but then searching for words.

DEFENDANT: So, uh, you saw the defendant eating meat or something that looked like it on Tuesday.

S.O.: It was meat.

DEFENDANT (pauses to think): …Well, maybe the defendant didn’t know it was meat. Did you ever think of that?

P.A.: Objection! Pointless speculation. We have the defendant on record. Play the tape please, Miss.

DEFENDANT: I didn’t see this evidence your honor.

S.O. pulls out a pocket recorder and begins to play.

DEFENDANT (on tape): Wow, this is SOO against my resolution. Oh well. It’s shark fin soup! Oooh! And shrimp, chicken, beef, abalone, jellyfish…

Exhibit A: Chicken Head

Exhibit A: Chicken Head

JUDGE: I’ve heard enough. Stop the tape. You may leave the stand.

DEFENDANT: That could have been digitally manufactured your honor! Haven’t you seen ‘24′?

P.A.: We also have photographic evidence.

The JUDGE reviews several photos.

DEFENDANT: Photoshop!

P.A.: And a video.

DEFENDANT: …Industrial Light and Magic?

JUDGE: Enough! Do you have anything to say for yourself before I sentence you?

The DEFENDANT screws up his courage and stands up. The camera cranes in on the DEFENDANT as a dramatic speech ensues.

DEFENDANT: Your honor, people of the court. I stand before you accused, rightly and correctly, of violating my own resolution. I ate meat. Furthermore, I ate it willingly and voraciously. That is indefensible. I can stand here and say that I did it because it was Chinese New Year and I would never get the opportunity again. I can say that it was the only pay that I received for four hours of hard labor. I can plead with you and say that it would have been rude to turn down a $300 12-course meal merely for a resolution. But the facts stand before you – as God as my witness – I made a commitment to myself and the world, to see a month through without touching my lips to a piece of meat.

Camera cuts to PROSECUTING ATTORNEY. A single tear falls down his cheek, smudging his eyeliner.

DEFENDANT: And I failed. Oh, how I failed. But perhaps my derailed attempt will inspire others. To see whether they can put what they think they believe in to the test of the real world. To the pressures of modern life and all its entrapments and temptations. If I have inspired just one person to-

The JUDGE burps up a bit of sauce, and casually slams down the gavel.

JUDGE: Spare us the soliloquy, sir. The court accepts your closing argument and sentences you to another eleven months of resolutions and a $100 fine to charity. You are free to go.

Gavel slams. DEFENDANT pumps his fists in a “yes” motion. The PROSECUTING ATTORNEY stands up and bursts into applause.

P.A.: Bravo, sir! Bravo.

[del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [MySpace] [Reddit] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Email] More »

  • Sol said,

    In addition to being one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read, the bonus video of the author EATING A CHICKEN HEAD is an amazing thing. Bravo, sir, indeed!

Add A Comment

home top